The Deep End

I've been sitting on this topic for about a week or two now, feeling something stirring in me to write it but not doing it because I've never really talked about it. Sentences come to me and then I bury it and then it resurfaces. What I want to talk about is what's often buried in society, kept under wraps because people don't want to hear it or there is a stigma attached to it - depression.

I've never really talked about it, I just have always known that since about 16 years old, something in me changed. Or maybe something in me surfaced, as all things do that we bury. I've battled depression off and on for years; just dealing with it, and owing it to my creativity. Because I would cycle through the ups and down and once I came out of the down, my creativity flourished. Writing endlessly. Heartbreak was my best muse. I could paint life with my words and depth with rhyming syllables. Exposing hope with commas and completing pain with periods. I remember reading an article how the two can go hand in hand, and so I accepted it. It was a gift and curse, but mostly a gift. I could use the negative to inspire something greater than any bad I ever felt. And that always gave me purpose.

Everyone has felt some form of depression or sadness in their lives. From death to a break up, to failing at something we really want to succeed at. Yet, when it is recurrent in your life that will subside and return as it pleases you remember it's more than big moments, it's the little ones too.

Depression feels like sensitivity, when words said cut deep and you carry the scars.
It feels like being buried under the weight of the world, because you've been trying to carry it all.
It feels like failure, when what motivated you, defeated you.
It feels like craving the safety of four walls when you know you need open spaces.
It feels like wanting connection, but fearing intimacy.
It feels like a slow decline, and you know it but you struggle to turn and climb back up.
It feels like cloudiness on clear days.
It feels like battling yourself; knowing perception is everything so you just have to get to the other side.
It feels like being misunderstood, and longing to be understood. Friends thinking you're flaky, but maybe today, you're just not feeling like yourself.
It looks like the picture shown above, where colors of hope are surrounded by darkness.

Depression can suck. And I don't write this for pity or for you to look to pity others. I write this for solidarity. For an open discussion to those battling it, understanding it, over coming it, and those supporting others through it. It's not meant to be a melancholic label to describe someone as a whole. It's another look inside of ourselves and into understanding one another. Because whether we care to admit it or not, we all have experienced it. And maybe that is the first step to accepting its lessons and overcoming its hurdles. Accepting its presence.